3-27-2004 No baby or women should go through the pain of abortion. It is not a women's choice, it's walking into a living hell. Why is it allowed? The pain keeps growing. Thoughts of Jr's little body, he only needed protection and love. I killed him. No one could have hurt him if i didn't go. The saying "women's choice" just confirms i killed my baby. Even if there were other things involved i was his mother, his protecter. I want him back, i miss him so much. This paon is so haunting. How do I live with what i have done? I killed my son. My innocent little boy. Nothing will make that ok. How i can get away with murder- of an innocent baby kills me. It's the same as killing abby. Born or not he would have been born if everything went natural but something so un-natural took him. How can killing babies be ok? Women's choice, it was a woman's choice to have sex. What ever happened to taking responsability for ones actions? Because i messed up, because i was allowed to sign papers, my son is deid. it should have been me. I made the mistake not him. to think he just got thrown into a bag and tossed away as if he were trash, not even a burial or death cert. as if he were trash. As if he wasn't human. He had every human thing as everyone else. The innocent get thrown away like trash , they get nothing. While murders and crimanals get tombs, ceremonies and a funeral service. My baby is not a peice of trash and not something to grind in a garbage disposal. You don't use the disposal if it is only liquid right? then way did the clinic when they took the tray? Everything reminds me of his murder. I pray all the time to turn back the clock, to have my baby unharmed.   3-28-04 I had a dream about Jr. I was putting his picture up on this shelf. Then, it went to the procedure everything was the same but when i sat up and saw him he was calling for me. saying mommy. His blanket i made him to bring him home from the hospital is upstairs. My tears are all over it. Now, it'll never protect him from the cold. no situation is to tough to bring a mother to kill her child. temporary problem, permant choice. everything the workers at that clinic own food, furniture, cars,clothes come from money soaked in blood from my baby and other woman. it is the same as hiring a hit man. if women can kill their baby then way do they go to jail for killing their 4 yr old? The clinic said it would be more risky to have the baby then to abort it, well both ways i would have had Jr, the only difference is if he lived.   4-1-04 18 yrs old and i weigh 102 pounds. With Jr dying i understand he is an angel. God has made him perfect in every way. He only knows love and compassion.I failed him and i am failing Michael, i may not even be able to give him future children. Everything for nothing. Sometimes nothing is everything. Jr's no longer a baby, in heaven we are all brothers and sisters and our Father is God. I will never get to do all the things i dream about, all the things a mother here on earth do.    4-8-2004 so the weirdest thing happened to me today. i came upon this livejournal thing where women who had abortions told their stories. it is called abortionstories right. so i went in and told my story then the next thing i know i am banned from it. i read alittle more about it and other entries well sure enough it was where they told their stories but they also engouraged others to have an abortion. i guess i made them made once they checked out this website. so now i am not allowed to reply or post anything in it. i never in a million years dreamed i would get kicked out of an abortionstory community. what a suprise. mike and i had some jokes about it and i prayed for the women finding that link when they are pregnant because by what i saw you went in pregnant you came out having had an abortion. sick little community they have there. just wanted to let everyone know what is on the web now ah days. i would also like to say it is very gross and disturbing.   4-25-2004 I took some time off from working on my journal. I needed to turn to God to show me how to get this out to help others. That is way i made this website. So, others can see that yes- others feel the same way. And to show the emotional aftermath of this "choice". I am sitting here listening to projectgrace.com 's cd "the choice" That Martt Clupper brought to me yesterday. He has supported me more than anyone will ever know. Michael and I listened to it in the car going to wal-mart and it hit us hard. Mike was really touched by the song "I should've been your hero". It had me in tears. To hear my emotions put into music by someone who felt the way i feel was very comforting to me. To know that they felt the same. We have turned straightly to the Lord. He has made us stronger, and has made us aware that we need to speak up for others who can't. That I need to tell my story. I have found forgiveness in God, and yes the pain still hits me from time to time. I am human- I have the right to greive for my son. He was and still is my baby. Abortion didn't change that it just made me a mother to a baby that is not alive, which is at times unbearable. I put Jr.'d picture up today on the wall with my daughters picture. I want people to know him, to know what happened, to know the pain. I want them to know God will forgive them, that He knows your pain for you are His child. Even though it broke His heart He didn't abandon you. The song "fearfully, wonderfully Yours" tells it so perfectly. If i can stop one mother from feeling this pain then it is worth telling my story. Yes, if you are pregnant you are already a mother. As i am still Jr.'s mother only i don't get to hold him, take care of him because of my "choice".

4-26-2004

I called a crisis pregnancy center in Radcliff. The family is going to their march for lifes on may 8. God sent me to them I know it. The family will be wearing their shirts.Even Abby. I am going to print my story out for others who will be there. I am so happy right now, I am really starting to do it. I want to talk to schools. This has to get to everyone, they can't ignore it anymore.

4-30-2004

Last night we went to wal-mart. There was so many babies there. I went into a daze. When we left I cried in the car, we went to the automatic car wash and when the colored soap came down on the windsheild I jumped.- It looked like blood.  Then everything was getting to me, everything came back fast. I could hear the sounds and see everything. I shut my eyes and plugged my ears, curled up in a ball in the front seat-----but it was still there. Last night was hard. That hasn't happened in a few days.  

6-13-2004

I making baby blankets for women who write me. They are at http://wehavebeenthere.tripod.com/crisispregnancyfrombothsides/id1.html

I feel bad because i had to start charging them the price for the yarn and shipping. I had ten orders in a week. I have been talking to alot of girls, walking them through telling thier parents. I came up with this advice for you guys,

Think of your self as the parent for a night. You rdaughter just came to you saying she was pregnant. Ask yourself this

1- what would you feel?

2- what would you want to know?

3- What would you think?

4- Would you turn your back on her or support her?

Think about those things for a night, it should give you knowledge of thier many ways they will respond, and what to tell them. Plus, what to expect. I hope this helps.

July 1 2004

Jr. would have been born in only 8 days. It is going to be hard. Saterday is going to be tough his due dates were July 9-10th. Since we are going to go do something for his memory on the 9th i have to be strong but Saterday it will be the hardest.God will give me the strength. I miss him so much.

September 6 2004

I haven't updated in awhile. We went to the clinic in Cincinnati where we lost our son on his due date. Being there was so hard, we left early because the pain of seeing the other women go in the clinic was to much to handle. Jr is still on our minds everyday. I speak to many about him. For some to say the pain is hard is an understatement. It seems it will not get better, every day goes by and now we think of the "what could have beens" on top of the pain of what happened. Every month the pain grows with the thought of what it would be like if Jr was here. The days that mark his birth date and the day he died are timed torture. Only the whole month is filled with pain because you know the day is coming. The pain will always be there, when i go out i hide it trying to put on a happy face but deep down it is there. Waiting to resurface, but when it does it hits hard. Everything comes back fast, as if it had just happened. Mothers day is hard, every thing is hard. A simple day at the park all i can wonder and think about is how it would have been. Should have been. I can talk about Jr now though although the tears still fall. He is my son, my second child and will always be. I miss him and love him just like i did then. If only i would have stopped it. All the "if only's" or "maybe if i's".......... torture  ones heart and mind. I love you Jr.

Oct. 6 2004

I just got home from the hospital today. I had to have a surgery to stitch my cervix closed because of an incompetent cervix caused by the abortion. I am 20 weeks and already 50% effaced and one centimeter dilated. If i have the baby now it will die outside the womb. The next few days are very important because after the surgery the first 48 hours your water can break. I am on bed rest until the end of my pregnancy.  I am going to go and get back to bed, just wanted to update since i haven't in a while. The baby is a girl so we have decided to name her after Jr. (Michael Jerrett Amos Jr) her name will be Michelle Jerrett Amos.

Nov 16 2004

I had Michelle on Nov 7th after the cerclage failed and every medicine couldn't stop contractions. She was 25 weeks and two days when she was born. She is doing good.

Feb. 16 2007

I am updating for everyone, life has been crazy the last year. Abigail is five and Michelle is two now. I just gave birth to a little boy we named Mathew on Jan 20th 2007, my water broke at 33 weeks on the same day i lost Jr. in 2004. I had to have an emergency c-section, his weight was 4 pounds 1oz. Wish i could say i don't feel as much pain as i did when i lost Jr. days change but the pain is still there. Now i am facing holding my second son and remembering the day i lost Jr.