Jena's Story

I sit here and write this with a weary heart, a heavy heart, I don't want to have to relive this horror anymore- but I have to, I relive it every single day.

Let me introduce myself, my name is Jena and I was what every girl wanted to be; I was pretty, had the guys knocking down my door, I had graduated high school with honors and had a wonderful boyfriend, my parents and I got along perfectly and the world was just waiting for me to get it.

That all changed on Sept. 2^nd 2002 when I sat in the family clinic and the nurse told me that two lines meant that you were pregnant.

 I was only sixteen; and the truth was that I was scared; but I was so happy, we (my b.f and I) were both young fresh from high school and broke but we were in love and though we hadn't planned it we knew that we could do it together.

I thought that all of it would have worked out perfectly and that we'd be just like those TV families...WRONG! My mother is a strict Christian and a psychiatrist so I went to her after I told *Matthew, I had heard her tell countless girls as young as 13 that abortion was wrong and that if they believed that God would get them through, well- I found out that that was what my mother strongly believed in for everyone but her daughter. It crushed my little heart when she started to cry and ask where she went wrong and that I was going to break my father's heart. When my dad came home I was so scared but surprisingly he was there for me, he wasn't thrilled but he told me that he would always be there for me, he even joked and said that he'd get Matthew and I a car seat for his bike.

My mother started to isolate and ignore me and then my brother who's in the army and he threatened him. I watched my excited and supportive b/f become a nightmare, everything went wrong so fast; my mother was so worried about what her friends would think. She said that that wasnât the case, but from what was said; how she acted- I knew. I would be sick and she would practically ignore me, my world was a very cold and lonely place.

I finally gave in on  October, October 22nd my mother's birthday. Prior to this my brother had made two appointments for me and I refused to go, then I just couldn't take it anymore.

My once loving brother had told me that he wasn't  interested in me or what I did from then on and not to call on him and my mother had "gotten really sick" and wouldn't talk to me. I remember being on my knees bringing up the lining of my stomach all alone because they wouldn't let my boyfriend come over.

I let her convince me that morning sickness wasn't normal and that my baby was unhealthy so my mom became my best friend again when I consented. 

The abortion was terrible and every time I close my eyes I can see the operating room with the noisy spinning ceiling fan, the sink in the corner and scary looking table.

I asked him for something to make me sleep and was given an injection (I was never told what it was) and was told that it would numb me and perhaps make me sleep; that my throat would feel warm and my head would get light. These things happened but I was fully awake, I felt EVERYTHING.

 He(the doctor) yelled at me and pushed my legs open, when I complained of the pain he told me I was making it up, I watched him take my child away from me, piece by piece and threw her into the trash. She was garbage to him, just another pay check, he didn't care.

When it was all finished and he unhooked my ankles from the stirrups I fell and vomited on the floor. He didn't even help me up, just yelled at me that he never told me to get up.

We left the clinic with my mother smiling, and then she asked me if I think I did the right thing...like I could have done anything about it then.

You can never turn back time.

I only told Matthew on Oct.25th(2002) what really happened (my mum told me to tell him I miscarried) because I was hospitalized, the doctor didn't remove all of the tissues and it was rotting inside of me, I was there for 5 days and then had to have a second abortion. Every time I peed it stunk, I would hold it until I couldn't anymore just because it hurt so bad when I did go. I gave myself a bladder infection.

My brother came to the hospital and my dad and b.f, my mum didn't come because she was sick, no one else came not even my friends because my mother said it was best that no one knew. I lost all my friends after that because I didn't know how to talk to anybody, my b.f and I broke up because each time I looked at him I saw our little girl; we named her Jenmae and each year I hang her ornament on the Christmas tree. What would have been her birthday is tattooed above my ankle. I have written her so many letters.

You can NEVER take it back.

I just want you girls out there to know that abortion doesn't make anything go away, not even the shame that you think that they'll have to face- not the hate you think that you'll get, because self hate is the worst, not being able to forget and live with yourself is by far worst. You can NEVER take it back.

I pray to God for forgiveness each day she enters my mind and that is EVERYDAY, I don't want to forget her and I don't think that I ever will- I just don't want it too hurt so bad when I do. I believe that God will give me another chance and that I'll make the right choice this time, and not for my family or even my partner...but for me and my baby.

But although that is the case, I can NEVER have her back.You can NEVER take it back.