My story begins at birth, actually I was born dead. It took the doctors 5 minutes to get me breathing. At 7 minutes, they stop. I was born six weeks early. God had a plan for me and was not going to let me go.

My childhood years included verbal, physical and sexual abuse; ritual abuse; alcoholism; mental illness and abandonment. I longed for attention, approval and love. Mostly love. I searched for love anywhere and everywhere.

When I was 18 I got pregnant. I had a beautiful baby girl when I was 19. I was unmarried and the father not available, not wanting anything to do with either of us. His brother once told me that if I named his brother (the father) as the father on the birth certificate, they would take me to court and all their friends would testify they had slept with me (this was my first silence, I put father unknown on the birth certificate). I was terrified.

I started dating this guy on a regular basis a couple of years later. He had two kids, I had one. I thought this would be the family I had always longed for.

I became pregnant again. I was thrilled. I thought this time, the father would not abandon me. I thought I had finally found happiness. After sharing this with him and a couple of close friends, my horror began. He did not want the baby. My friends said, "how can you have another baby, you already have one?" I could not believe what I was hearing. I was nearing my fourth month and thought surely he would change his mind, if I wait he won’t make me have an abortion. I continued to get pressure from him and friends to abort the baby. I saw the doctor, he told me the procedure would not hurt. That it was not really a baby yet. I felt completely helpless and powerless over my situation, like I had no choice.

I had the abortion at 17 weeks. I don’t remember much about it, except being in the room to have the procedure done and seeing the two containers that would suck the "tissue" out of me. I was terrified. I did not want the procedure, I wanted this baby. I told the nurse I did not want the procedure, she told me I would be better off, that it was too late to change my mind. I don’t remember anything after that.

I became pregnant again. I did not say a word to anyone, not even the father. I was so confused. I did not want to hear anyone’s opinions on what I should do. I did not want the man I loved to say to me again, he did not want this baby. I wanted to die… In the first couple of months I knew I was pregnant, we broke up, I saw a doctor – had the abortion and at the same time had my tubes tied. I wanted to make sure I did not get pregnant again; at least until I was married, then I could have the procedure reversed. I was 25 years old.

My life was a mess. I tried to hide my pain, my emptiness. Nothing made sense. I drank and took drugs to cover up my increasing sense of inadequacy, hopelessness and failure; slept around searching for love; overate as an expression of my self-hate; was not able to bond with my daughter. I tried desperately to fill the empty hole in my heart. Nothing worked.

Shortly after the second abortion, I started to have a lot of female problems. I had horrible pains in my stomach and bled all the time. I thought it was just female problems handed down to me from my mom. I listened to the doctor as he said I would have to have a hystromecty. This doctor was from the same institution that did my abortions. I wonder now if this was due to complications from the abortions. I will never know for sure.

The only thing I remember is them telling me I had excessive amounts of scar tissue and they had to take everything. EVERYTHING. A friend came into the hospital to see me, she said, "you have just been spayed, like my cat". I did not even feel like a person anymore. My empty hole was getting bigger. I was 27.

I kept these secrets from my daughter, husband, family, and friends. I tried to act like my life was great. I tried to hide all the pain. I buried it so deep inside of me. I lived in constant fear that one day my horrible secrets would be discovered.

When I married, I wanted to adopt. I desperately wanted a baby. His response….I don’t want a baby, we won’t adopt. You already have one child, that should be enough. He had no idea…..

My life got worse, the more I tried to hide, the worse I got. I was depressed, angry, addicted to food, drank, took drugs, lied….you name it, I did it. I tried suicide, I spent time in psychiatric hospitals, I was emotionally empty, I was numb, and I would not let anyone get close to me. I had built a brick wall around me and no one was going to get in.

The emptiness eventually turned to hate. I hated myself, I hated life. I hated everything. I was a very angry person. I tried to stuff it; I tried to act like I was ok.

This went on for 23 years. My silence almost destroyed me. I became very ill. A stress related illness. My body was sending all kinds of alarms. My mind shut down. My heart was empty. Everything fell apart.

Then GOD got to me. During this time I was acting like a Christian. But I had not faced the decisions I had made years ago. I did not accept the forgiveness GOD had already given me. I thought I was a monster. How can God love me? How can my daughter love me? What will people think? How can I ever reveal what I had done? Not once, but twice? A couple of years earlier on a suicide attempt, the doctors told me there was no medical explanation why I was alive. I promised God I would never try that again. With the suicide option gone, what was I going to do? All I heard was I needed to forgive myself. I heard it in church, I heard it from friends, and I heard it from my daughter. I even heard it from a class I was taking at church, one in which I thought was for healing of others.

None of them knew my secret. How can they ask me to forgive, how can GOD ask me to forgive.

There are so many lies associated with abortion. It won’t hurt, your body will be fine. It will make your life better. You will be making life easier for those around you. You will get over it. It’s not a baby, its just tissue…… it does not have a soul, it does not even look like a baby. Once the procedure is done, you will be fine. Feel lucky you were born when you were, if you had been born earlier, abortion was illegal. Now you can make a choice.

The lies are gone. The hate is gone. A lot of questions have been answered. I know where the anger came from, I know where the walls came from, I know where my indecision to make decisions came from. I know where my inability to receive love came from. I know where my inability to give love came from. It all makes sense now. These are all lies from Satan. He wants you to believe all of it. He is on your side when you make the decision to have the abortion, making you believe you are making the right choice. But after you have the abortion, he destroys you with your shame and guilt.

I have asked for forgiveness. I have received forgiveness. The empty hole has been filled with love. Love from my daughter, my friends, my church, my GOD. Jesus died on the cross for my babies. They were babies. They did have a soul, they were formed. They were life!!!

My babies are now in heaven with Jesus. I will meet my babies someday. God has given me a very special gift of seeing my babies. I know they are two girls, they have names - Sara Rachel and Rebecca Lynn. I was robbed of spending time here on earth with them, but I will spend an eternity with them.

My daughter, which has been here with me, is my most precious gift from God. She is my miracle. I am so thankful for her. I have thanked God daily for her.

I want women to know the truth. Abortion does hurt. You won’t forget. It kills. Not only the baby inside of you, but part of your soul. I want women to know that Satan will shame them, he will make them incapacitated with guilt. Remember he wants to steal, kill and destroy.

I WILL BE SILENT NO MORE!! I want the world to know about my two decisions to abort. I want to shout from the mountaintops that GOD loves them. Jesus died on the cross for them. There is freedom and that freedom comes from forgiveness.