Jr.,

Would your eyes have been the sweetest blue that could have broken through my hearts gray?

The things I'll never have with you is safely secretly stored away

I dream of your cries and how you would smell

To hold you close to my heart

My mind is my hell how will I live with out my son? What did I do? How can it be undone? My little boy you are and will always be although you are not here and can not be seen.

I go to sleep in hope of seeing you my own torture never coming true. A bleeding heart is what I hold itll get better is what I am told. This is how it is and how it will remain until the day I am with you again. No one understand, may come close but they are not me. They dont know the pain that'll always be. I look to the sky and wonder if you are there looking down on your mommy that is in despair. My heart forever broken for a piece is missing, missing forever- taken from me.

3-18-2004 1am

When the tears turn to dust, who am I?

When all is over will I be standing or will I sink? Is the light even shining in my bottomless pit?I think I see its brightness or is my mind deceiving me? Can Michael pull me out, or will he join me? How long will my thoughts torment me, and my heart bleed? Is love really stronger than this pain or just a cover up?A thousand tears for a thousand years to come, yet it has only begun. I mourn for my son, yet do I have the right? I cant stop grieving even in my sleep. It's always there, hasnt got better yet. The past haunts my every second, somewhere in my head the day keeps replaying. No one understands why I am still this way. Maybe they'll understand I lost more than my son that day. I lost myself, lost my mind, lost my heart its all stuck in time. A time when I had him safe in my tummy a little while longer he would have called me mommy. 24 weeks & one day I would have been right now. Big stomach, food cravings, and not being able to see the ground. Yet, all I have are emotions so overwhelming, the pain is so hard to endure. All the things that could have been, will never happen now. My baby boy peacefully asleep in the arms of his angel. While here on earth I am slowly decaying. Praying I'll get to do all I should have done. People say it'll get better, it wont hurt as bad if only they knew the pain keeps growing, the sorrow will be my forever friend. Until the day it stops- but that will be my end.

4-3-04

thoughts

who holds the gadgit to turn back time?Who keeps it a secret,hidden from mankind? Who do I ask to get it to go back? Back to Jan. 20th.

Why is time still going when my mind has stopped? Stopped on Jr's death

Who holds the key to open the door, to bring my son to his mother in mourn.

Where are the agents to find these things?

Why won't they help to make the pain go away?People say it'll fade but how and why? If it ever does they'll say my sorry's are all lies.

When can I see him? could i look him in the eyes? For all i have done,and the reasons why he had to die. What would i say? Would my mind go dumb?

Would he be a baby? Or will he need no mother? Motherhood is an earthly gift not needed in Heaven.

4-10-04

The Unforgotten One

I stare at my mother       She's in a daze on the couch.

I'm kneeling right in front of her      with my hands upon hers.

I tell her that i love her           that i understand and forgive

yet she doesn't make a sound.             i wiped a tear from her face

and kissed her cheek

yet no response               although she's looking right at me.

i've seen her fall apart      before time after time.

i lay with her curled up in her arms     as a child should lay with their mother.

But, she doesn't feel me, or see me

                                                   for i was her choice.