< Jan. 19,2004>
The last day I have with Jr. I keep rubbing my stomach, talking to him. Singing to him, hoping he won't forget the sound
of my voice. Praying God will prevent me from going tomorrow. Crying God will hear me.
I woke up at 5 am. I got sick and one more time on the way to Cincinnati. They gave me an I.V. and told me my iron was
down but not to worry about it. The doctor was late flying in from another clinic. She got the first trimester's "out of the
way" quickly. I was given two white pills to put between my lip and gums to desolve.They were given to me at seperate times.
A women beside me was talking about how inconvenient it was that the doctor was late because she had to get it over with and
drive two hours to get home. They called me back into a small room. There was no room to move around. The female doctor came
in, and asked me a few questions. She said she was going to numb my cervix, right after she said that she began the procedure.
The first time she went in with a tool I felt Jr move, he jerked. I was already crying but i totally lost it. I wanted
to tell her to stop, i wanted to protect Jr. but it was to late. The nurse beside me wiped my tears away, as another nurse
watched the killing of my baby on an ultrasound screen. I felt everything, the pain was worse then having my daughter natural.
I heard her chop him up, ( it sounds almost like two clothes hangers rubbing together),Fluids rushing out, then she turned
on the vacuum.She scrapped the the insides of my stomach until i thought i was going to die. I heard the vacuum stop and she
took it out, then they saw something and it started all over. I passed out from the pain. When i woke up the nurse was still
wiping tears from my face. The doctor left leaving the door open as i lay there half naked. The nurses told me to sit up,
but i said i was to dizzy. One nurse took my I.V. out as she held my arm, I couldn't feel her touch. They sat me up even
though i was dizzy and felt sick. Right in front of me was Jr. in this big Jar. It was completly full from him and fluids.
The nurse saw my face and quickly stood in front of me while the other got ready to take him out. The nurse who wiped my tears
removed the tray under me and dumped it down the sink, using the garbage disposal. She handed me wipes slidding the trash
can over to me, that had no top and was completly full of the wipes from the women before me. She quickly got me dressed,
as she carried my shoes she rushed me into the recovery room after they gave me shots. The woman in the recovery room got
upset with me because i couldn't take the pills-i felt like i was going to get sick-. So, she gave me papers and told me to
feel out the "Important papers" until I feel better. I told her it would only get worse if i tried to read right now.
i asked her for a few pretzels to help my stomach and she gave me 5 while saying "it won't help". She sat back down and a
few seconds later she was asking me for my pills because they had givin me one in a shot form. she quickly took the pill back.
Then she had me take the rest. My stomach hurt so bad. The important papers she wanted me to fill out was a clinic survey
on the staff, doctor,ect. She took my blood preasure when i first went into the room. After about 10 minutes she had
me go check my bleeding, there was none. She let me leave. On the ride home i felt gushes my stepfather pulled into a gas
station. I went to the bathroom sat down and couldn't even feel myself pee. I had no control over my bladder. When i stood
up i saw all the blood in the toilet, it looked like i had just bled to death. It was everywhere. Feeling Jr. try to get away
i knew it was to late to save my son.It's hard for me to understand that he is no longer in my stomach. Now he is in
Heaven. I'm home, still dizzy, still in so much pain. i miss my baby. i wonder if he knows i love him. i can't beleive i let
the world decide his fate, and i can't believe i couldn't save him.
I have prayed to God for forgiveness. I talk to Jr. a lot. God gave me a special gift, He gave me Jr. I was
supposed to protect him. I love him so much. In my death I pray God will let me see my baby, let me hold him and kiss his
forehead. I regret losing my baby. It hasnt got any easier in my head. I know a day won't go by that I dont think of him and
regret what I let man do to me and him. I miss him. I pray to see him while I am asleep yet nightmares are all I receive.
It hurts knowing I will never see him or hold him. I wonder if he is ok. The thought of him being without his mommy and missing
me kills me inside. God only knows how much I love and miss him. I want him back so badly safe inside my womb. I am so unworthy.
All this makes me wonder if I have the ability to be a good mother to Abby. If I ever lost her I would die. I've lost my son,
I cant handle losing her too. Losing a baby kills ones insides. My heart is so broken. I'll never be the same. A huge part
of me is gone. My son is gone, my baby, my innocent little baby that only needed love and protection. I couldn't protect him.
I couldn't stop them. He was so scared and I couldn't protect him. It was to late. I failed him. My heart hurts so bad. He
was the victim of this world and I failed him. My poor baby. I want to see him, want to hold him. Garth Brooks song when you
come back to me again reminds me of him. I miss him. I feel so empty.
AFI's song silver and cold is my song to my baby boy.
Jan. 22, 2004
If tears could bring back my son he would be here, safe in my tummy. I miss him. This pain is getting
no better. How do I get over losing him, losing my baby? How, when I am so afraid of forgetting him, forgetting how it felt
when he would move around. Seeing him stretch on the ultrasound. Ive had nightmares for three nights now. I just want him
back. How can one let go? What do I do? My baby- God, I want him back. God, bring him back please.
9:26pm
Jr.,
Mike will be here tomorrow. My mind has been on you constantly. Please forgive me baby for what I did. I
miss you so much. I love you baby. You're in a safe place, surrounded by love. I hope you get my kisses I send. I talk to
you a lot. I pray you hear me. I have no right to call myself your mother for what I have done. If tears could turn back time
I would still have you. I love you. Please don't forget that. I keep thinking back to that day how I kept getting sick, I
believe it was you begging me not to go. Then, feeling you try to get away my poor baby I am so sorry. I am living in
a nightmare I cant wake from. I want you back so much. I want to show you how much I love you. I want to sing you to sleep
and hold you. I am sorry. I am going to be forever haunted by what I have done. I guess it is only right. I love you Jr. hopefully
I will be able to be your mommy in Heaven and do everything I want to do. Everything a mother should do. I love you
Mommy
Jan 23 2004
To know my baby died is enough- to learn the first thing they did was to rip him apart then crush his skull
kills me.
Jan. 28 2004
I went to the E.R. on the 25th, because I was passing blood clots the size of a small fist. I
called the clinic I had the abortion at and they said it was normal. So I went to sleep at 3 am and woke up and changed my
pad again and my bloody clothes at 3:30 am. I was going through 2-3 pads per half hour. I couldnt move a muscle or a clot
would come out. I put a towel under me then went back to sleep after all the clinic said it was normal. 8 am I woke up, told
my husband to watch the blood on the bed, ( it soaked through my clothes, the folded towel onto the bed). I walked to the
bathroom and passed out. My husband woke me up and I was on the floor I didnt even make it to the bedroom door. I went to
the bathroom while he went to get my mother. I passed 5 huge clots in a row. My mother came in and I passed out in her arms.
her and my step dad carried me into the my bedroom. I woke up burning up. I kept asking if I was going to die. I felt like
I was. I was carried to the car. My heart beat was normal laying down but when I stood up it went to 142 and my blood pressure
went down to 75/36 from 99/40. I lost a third of my blood and was severely anemic. I had to go to surgery on the 26th
a d&c and a laposcopy. That would be aD&E and a d&c in one week. My tongue and gums were white and my
lips were the color of my skin. I just got home today. After 10 ivs 9 times having my blood drawn. I almost died. If my husband
wasnt there to wake me up and get help I would have died. I was on the forge of having a blood transfusion. I had a blood
count of 7. It is supposed to be in the 12. I told my mom when I passed out to give my daughter a kiss for me and to tell
her I loved her. I was afraid of not waking back up, I was so scared.
2-27-2004
I am going to destroy this marriage. I am so messed up inside. I cant even grieve but in bits and pieces
because of Abby. I take everything out on Michael. My everything has become my verbal punching bag. I can feel myself falling
apart. And there is nothing I can do about it. I try to ignore it run away from this pain but there is no escape. I cant live
with this pain, it is eating me alive. And I am destroying every close one around me. What if my husband realizes I am nothing
at all but pain. If only he was there that day, felt Jr. move saw him like I had. Maybe he would understand my pain. I wish
he could have seen him alive, felt his little movements. A battle is going on inside my head, inside my heart. It makes me
want to die, to know I will always have this pain, always this emptiness. An emptiness even Michael can't fix, only Jr. I
would have been 20 weeks pregnant today. Someday I can go with fighting back the tears. But other times I cant stop them.
There is a passage in the bible I wrote in my journal it is how I feel right now. Psalm 38 sorrow of sin.
<3-6-2004>
My heart screams with pain. I will never be the same, not after what I have done. I close my eyes and I see the clinics
doors. If only I could turn back time. Have my son back. 21 weeks and 2 days I would have been. Nothing's getting easier.
I am Jrs gravesite. He died in me, he was murdered in me. I am his tomb, his grave my tattoo is his saying and name plate.
I am only 18 years old. The greatest pain a women can ever feel is the lose of her child. Only I was the cause, they couldnt
have killed him if I didnt go to the clinic. He was in me, I was supposed to protect him. Why did this happen? If I would
have stood up. If I would have done what I wanted. To leave the clinic to not kill my son. I wanted him. I love him. I need
him. My little boy. My baby. Everything I believe in, my morals, my views everything I am about I have destroyed. I destroyed
myself when I destroyed my son.
